Boy How Things Have Changed

 December 28, 2024

I just found this blog, oh my goodness amazing. One entry so many years ago.  But here I am again. Guess what Marty and I are retired.  Yes that is right.  My foot is broke I passed out and broke my foot in 3 places.  

Both my mom and Marty’s dad are in nursing homes.  

We have three trips for the races planned for sure this year.  

Jaime isn’t talking to me.  We had alit of things go on trying to toe credit mom and get Medicaid to get her in the assisted living and then she wouldn’t even try to take care of herself

Or to listen to them and she ended up in the nursing home. 

At that point it was my first year teaching and they would call me at night to go pick up mom from the ER.  Then I would still have to go to work. It was awful.  Instead of trying to talk about anything he called me yelled and when I wouldn’t just free and take all blame he hung up. 

So l have reached out but it isn’t worth it.  I went from being an angel to the devil.  

Also I left St Mikes because father decided to tell me after 4 years of having the same vacation that I cannot do that anymore.  So after much thought and feeling that he is obviously trying to get rid of me I quit.  He had been very kind to me but something changed and that was that.  

I am so glad to be home with Marty and my pets.  It is almost New Years.  I think this is going to be a great year.  

I’m Just Me

I was just born to be exactly what u see, today and every day I’m just me.  - Charley Pride song

My new friends are the toddlers I told my friend after I had spent the day working with them.  They are just themselves, no excuses, raw emotion.  That has really described me in the past month.  This tightrope walker trying to strattle the line of helping others and taking care of myself (you know what I am saying), clearly falls out of balance over and over again.  Everyone sees it but me.  Nowadays it seems that it takes less and less to tip the scales.  But I love everything I do and who I am with.  But, truthfully my back hurts a lot, and I keep pushing.  Also, now this is big for me to say to everyone.  I have depression and anxiety.   I can be so joyous and grateful and then be like a recluse.  I won’t come out of my house, won’t go to my classes that I know will help me.  The good thing is I identify this much quicker than I did before and am trying not to look at it as a “weakness or problem” but another part of myself that I embrace.

Recently, the past couple of years I have belonged to an Empath group.  If you don’t know what an empath is, you will find a lot of info on the internet.  Being an empath takes an enormous amount of energy just to go into public because you pick up the energy from others.  This is so true for me and many others.  Sometimes it is a sensory overload too.  It isn’t just in my head it is real.  I can’t tell you how many times I am sought out in classes or trainings and in the end find out that the person had a difficult or abusive childhood or current relationship.  If I am teaching children I can pick out the children that have that same kind of background.  I also seem to attract more than 3/4 of my students being boys.  That has been my favorite.  I love watching them build confidence, smile, and feel safer in their bodies and in the universe.

I have had some very big opportunities and haven’t jumped on them.  This is where I am a bit foggy.  Is it fear, laziness, lack of desire, not respecting myself?  Just when I start to see things a little more balanced I will have another setback.

This is why I am taking this time for myself, to get to the bottom of what the truth is and what is buried deep within that I haven’t uncovered yet.

Then I started scheduling more and more things to eat up my time and now I am in the same boat on a time schedule.  I will change this because I am not respecting my boundaries.  I am going to expect respectful treatment back.  I recently heard my voice in class and giving direction